The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
