Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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