I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
