I think I died a long time ago.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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