Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
