i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
