my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
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Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How external is "for external use only"?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?