he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.