I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens