Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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