I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
