I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
