Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
