so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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