dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
