my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
