Are we in a gay sports bar?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
