Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
