i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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