My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
