The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
