her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
