Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
