I cannot find my penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
