I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
