all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
