Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He felt like a one man threesome
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
