not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
