whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
