she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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