So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
