I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
