I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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