Christians are straight up FREAKS
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize