i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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