I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
