Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
