I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You're a waste of cheezeits
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
