This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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