I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
