She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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