Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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