I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
