Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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