i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
