I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
