The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
