There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
