if only i could text you this smell
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
