I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
