Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
