My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
