When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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