So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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