I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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