Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
