Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
