Your face is a jimmy john
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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