the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I cannot find my penis.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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