I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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