i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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