I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
