I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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