My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
